Erika Isler - Life Coaching
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A few good resources

4/6/2020

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Re: J. Phoenix

2/14/2020

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I know that not everyone tunes in for the Academy Awards, but we try to in our family. I missed parts of the evening this year but I caught the round up the next day. Most of it felt familiar and rather expected.
 
But one speech grabbed me. Hard.
 
Joaquin Phoenix’s acceptance speech for Best Actor took my breath away for so many reasons.
 
I so admire people that can be caught off guard, as the winners of the night typically are, and are able to deliver a coherent message in a very short amount of time. I believe it truly is a gift to be able to stand up and say something meaningful and resonant with little to no preparation. It’s amazing to witness.
 
If you missed it or would like to check it out again, here is his full speech: https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/transcript-joaquin-phoenixs-speech-at-2020-oscars-1278278
 
A few words that jumped out at me:
 
“I think that we've become very disconnected from the natural world, and many of us, what we're guilty of is an egocentric world view — the belief that we're the center of the universe. We go into the natural world, and we plunder it for its resources…
 
And I think we fear the idea of personal change because we think that we have to sacrifice something, to give something up, but human beings, at our best, are so inventive and creative and ingenious. And I think that when we use love and compassion as our guiding principles, we can create, develop and implement systems of change that are beneficial to all sentient beings and to the environment.”
 
Now, I have been, I have been a scoundrel in my life. I've been selfish. I've been cruel at times, hard to work with, and I'm grateful that so many of you in this room have given me a second chance. And I think that's when we're at our best, when we support each other, not when we cancel each other out for past mistakes, but when we help each other to grow, when we educate each other, when we guide each other toward redemption. That is the best of humanity.”
 
His whole thought process stunned me as I watched. Humility at the beginning, deep reflection throughout and personal responsibility, and quoting some lyrics jotted by his late brother at the very end. Wow! How is someone able, at such a bright light moment, to articulate something so well and so eloquently?
 
The cynics may say, “Well, he’s an actor and he’s acting.” But I don’t feel that. I feel like he’s someone that, by his own choices and for better or worse, has spent most of his life in a huge spotlight. The critics have been so cruel to him at times too, to a level that most of us non-celebrities couldn't endure.
 
Which leads me back to perhaps the most important thought from all of this--we can never know how someone else is experiencing his or her life. What looks to us like prosperity, importance, ease, power, to name just a few lauded qualities, could feel quite different to the person having that experience.
 
Moreover, what if we routinely engaged people with that thought in mind? Intentionally dropping our assumptions as we interact with others? What would you hear differently? How could that help someone be very seen, and very witnessed? How could that tiny act help that person in ways we’ll never know?
 
To his point, “what we're guilty of is an egocentric world view — the belief that we're the center of the universe.”
 
It’s human nature, this egocentrism, but we definitely can do better. We have the ability to be intentional on all fronts and to engage this world--all of it—with the compassion that is so necessary.
 
Please join me in this human experiment, beginning today, on a day saturated with symbols of love. Let’s see what we can make better. Together.

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words matter

10/2/2019

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words + intention

12/11/2018

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The holidays can be a tricky time for many people. Our brains tend to suggest that the past was better than it actually was, and that the future is bleaker than it will likely be. And because everything—EVERYTHING—is focused on holiday stuff right now, it’s easy to feel frazzled and overwhelmed.
 
With that in mind, I want to offer you some tips to better navigate the season; these ideas are designed to help you get back to your center, regardless of what’s happening around you.
 
1-One word. I want you to choose one word, consciously and intentionally, that will serve as your personal bumper system throughout each day/week (or whatever time frame you select). The word you choose will serve to re-orient you in a moment-to-moment style. But it’s not just a matter of uttering the word; you’ll need to feel into the word you choose to expand its power and effectiveness in every interaction.

Let me give you an example: Maybe the word you choose on day one of this exercise is “peace.” Later that morning at a staff meeting, you note one particular colleague is behaving passive aggressively toward you. You’ve had differences in the past, but your attention is drawn to him over and over and you can feel your ire rising. In the interest of productive meetings, you choke back your anger and retreat into seemingly endless internal dialogue about how he behaved and how you let him get away with it. You likely even find “allies” in this situation, co-workers that sympathize and side with you. Lines are drawn (mentally) and you rehearse ad nauseam what you might have said to stop what was happening. Of course at the next staff meeting, you’re locked and loaded. Just waiting for him to cross that line. Again. And on it goes.

Now let’s put our word to work here. You chose the word peace, but peace exited the building as soon as you needed it. Instead, you hurdled into office drama that you didn’t invite or initiate. So what might you have done differently?
 
The moment the energy changed (offender Number One went to work on your emotional safety by parrying and dodging throughout the meeting) you might have taken a deep breath, gone back to your word and considered, “How could ‘peace’ work in this situation? What’s my most peaceful possible response right in this moment?”
Now this does warrant the intentional pause (remember, we’re responding, not reacting) a skill which takes some time to develop, so just be patient with yourself.

In the scenario we’re examining, the “most peaceful response” might be something like this: “Hey Phil, it feels to me like you’re trying to make some point here, but I’m sort of confused on what that is. Can you help me better understand what you’re trying to say?” It’s critical that you come from a place of pure curiosity, not confrontation, as you pose the question, however. At that moment, it’s very easy to slide into attack and defend. So check that before you engage. Posing the question from a space of genuine curiosity begins a conversation of which you are 100 percent responsible for 50 percent of the total.

I know, I know. It does feel easier at times to simply blast a person for his bad behavior and move on. And perhaps there are times when that is the best or quickest solution to mitigate an issue. But we’re looking here at how to keep you in your most peaceful place emotionally, so you’re in charge of how you’re experiencing each moment. We want to get off the blame train and take responsibility for our reactions to what others are doing or not doing.
 
2-Re-heated mashed potatoes are lethal.
A mashed potato patty with scrambled eggs, your cheese of choice and served over a bed of spinach is a super healthy and yummy breakfast.
But mashed potatoes heated in pan maintain their heat longer than eggs do. MUCH longer, in fact. The moment of contact will drop you to your knees as you attempt to dislodge the searing hot dense patty, which suddenly has the adhesion strength of Gorilla Glue, from your mouth while making indecipherable animalistic noises through your nose.

It’s not a pretty sight and should this happen to you, I hope it happens away from any witnesses and out of earshot of your mother, grandmother, and anyone you might hold in high esteem.

You’ve been warned. Consider it a public service reminder and you’re welcome.
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October 10th, 2018

10/10/2018

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"Precision of communication is important, more important than ever, in our era of hair trigger balances, when a false or misunderstood word may create as much disaster as a sudden thoughtless act." ~James Thurber    
I’ve been a student of communication style and human interaction for most of my life. I remember being labeled “shy” as a kid—reticent to interact with people I didn’t know well. But I also know, because I remember it clearly, that I watched and listened. A lot. It felt important that I understood context in observing people. To get a handle on both what they were saying and what they weren’t saying.
And those observations led to lots of questions, much to my parents’ frustration, I’m sure.
 
With that personal disclosure at the forefront, here are some ways to improve your own communication regardless of what your long-term style might be.

1-Listen to understand, not respond. This changes everything. Because of our hyper-connectivity, we’ve closed the gap on the pause. We’re bouncing info and words back and forth at a pace the world has never experienced before, which naturally leads to both miscommunication and confusion. Rather than really listening to what someone is saying, we’re busy waiting for the moment that we get to speak—which also means we’re not really understanding what the other person is communicating. Pay attention to this the next time you’re in conversation with someone and you’ll feel what I mean. It takes concerted effort and lots of practice to be an excellent listener, but it’s well worth the practice.
 
2-Ask questions. Don’t make assumptions about what’s being said because we’re all wired to be more vigilant about negativity than positivity. If you’re not sure, ask clarifying questions. Be the kind of person that seeks clarity at all times and in all ways. We’re all worried about looking stupid, so just let that go. I learned as a working reporter that people would much rather you ask that “stupid question” rolling around in your head than have you assume something and be wrong about it.
 
3-Seek commonality, not difference. The sages have said this for years—as humans, there’s more that binds us than separates us. Find that connection point and watch how much clearer and more authentic your interactions become.
 
4-Release the desire to perseverate on things. Some of the loudest places I’ve ever been are in my own head and much of what rolls around in there is, frankly, useless and pointless. Get real with this about yourself. Ruminating on things is a human tendency but the output is rarely helpful. Some things are just that—things, circumstances, events. You don’t need to analyze them in gory, repetitive detail. Put another way, “let it go.” Observe, learn, process and move on.
 
5-It’s never personal. People get into patterns of behavior. They communicate certain ways because those ways have paid off somehow in the past. If a person’s style of communication irks you, know that that style has worked out for them in some fashion. It’s not directly related to you and the shared circumstance you’re in. It’s not personal, so don’t make it so. Once you make it personal, you’ve created a blockade between you and that other person and you will seek evidence in the future to support your position/feelings and…on and on it goes. Get off that train now because the destination is less than fun. Always.
 
6-Be consistent. It’s my belief that there’s nothing more reassuring than someone who is consistent. I get that this takes a large degree of control and tact to make this your style, but the payoff is huge. Think about the people that you interact with regularly. Think about the ones that are consistent in style, form and manner and then think about the ones that make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You’re overly diligent about not triggering them so there’s always some degree of inauthenticity in your communication with them.
With a little work, anyone can be consistent but a key ingredient is slowing things down. Asking for time when you need to consider something. And really being aware of how you’re occurring to other people. Not self-conscious, but self-aware. Aware of not just yourself and your actions, but also how others typically interact and react to you. 
Sidenote: If your own tendency is to be the second of the two styles I described above and it’s something you’ve decided to work on, here are some questions to ask yourself: What is your payoff in creating and recreating that type of interaction? Why do you want people you’re in relationship with off balance? Do you feel more “in control” when others are unsteady? Why? Does it empower you in some way? Not judging, just asking. Once you understand something about yourself fully, you’re better able to own it and then change it.
 
Put some of these ideas to work, and I’d encourage you to spend more time just observing—without judgement—the interactions of your daily life—your own included. Trust your senses about what you’re seeing and feeling—those abilities are there to help you but must be utilized to affect any understanding and perhaps, if you choose, change.
 
If you think you could use some help on this, I am happy to assist. And when you try out some of these tips, please let me know how they worked out.
 
Let’s keep the conversation going, shall we?
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Think

9/4/2018

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Your words have intention and power. Every minute of every day. Are you using them against yourself? Against others? Against whatever you're going through or heading toward?
Use your words to support, care and heal.
Because we need more kindhearted souls--that's obvious isn't it?
Just as an experiment, pay close attention to your words today, both spoken and internal. Speak the things you want to see and then notice how you feel--and how you treat others.
Be THAT person today.
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Work, purpose and prepping the escape pod

7/20/2018

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"I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the
future. "~Unknown


I’ve been thinking lately about the huge differences between work and purpose.
Work is what we do to pay our way through this world—to pay our bills, to buy food, to have shelter, and so on. Unless you're independently wealthy, it’s usually necessary for all of us to work in some capacity.
Purpose is quite a different thing, however.
If work is what we do, then purpose is an activation of a deep knowing of who we are, what we value and how we can contribute to the greater good.
I believe we all share the common purpose of helping and serving others. Without that, no matter how luxurious a life we create for ourselves, we often feel like something’s missing.
Curiously, our purpose can often feel foggy and vague—like something we can’t quite wrap our hands around but deeply sense. But I’ve found that when we pay attention, there are always clues that lead us closer to embracing and engaging our purpose more fully.
 Think about something you love to do. Maybe it’s photography or poetry. Maybe it’s rock climbing or kayaking or hiking. Perhaps it’s painting. Or sailing. (I have a hunch is something nature-related, 'cause it usually is) Whatever your thing is, the love you have for it—the way you lose yourself doing it—is a clue to your greater purpose. Because when you’re doing “that thing” you’re suddenly quite
unmoored from regular daily activities. You’re free and connected at the same time. Your mind—typically so busy with repetitive thoughts or over-stimulated by technology or both—is suddenly wide open and receptive and aware.
 I think of these activities as a kind of escape pod—but one we’re called to get in to at every opportunity, not just in case of emergency.
 My escape pod happens to be horse-time. I’ve always felt one of the most therapeutic aspects of being around horses is that when we’re near them, we really can’t let our thinking go sideways. They are naturally fully present in the moment at all times and model that mindfulness for us. We sync up with them naturally, probably because we have so closely co-evolved alongside them over thousands of years.
 I want to encourage you to pay attention to the nuances and messages of your own escape pod.
What? You don’t have one? Then it’s time to find one. Your purpose needs you.
 That little pod, however it appears to and for you, is the clearest path to dusting off your deepest purposes and calibrating your highest connections. Notice what comes up when you’re in that space and what you feel called to do. It’s a divine dial-in time that only requires you show up and listen. Like a cosmic download, it will aid you in understanding and crafting your own way of serving.
The only prerequisite? A desire to make the world just a little better than you found it.

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road thoughts 1.0

3/9/2018

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"We protect ourselves against ourselves…"
 
That thought came to me the other day----we protect ourselves against ourselves.
And here’s how it came about.

There’s a person in my neighborhood that walks frequently. I’ve notice that when she walks, she is very intentional about getting out of the way of cars on the road. Her movement is almost exaggerated to watch; she’s clearly concerned about the possibility of getting clipped as a car passes. I’ve noticed this for a long time and never really thought much about it.
Until the other day.

I was driving down the road when I noticed that the car behind me was 1) very close to the rear of my car and 2) going quite fast and 3) happened to be the neighbor of the previous observation. 
And that’s when the above sentence popped into my head—“We protect ourselves against ourselves.”

Now it could be true that at some point she did get hit by a passing car; I actually don’t know whether that’s a fact.
But on a purely observational basis, I think her dramatic behavior says something more. I think, beneath her conscious awareness, it says, “I know what I do (speed, tailgate, etc.) when I drive, and I prepare myself because others are doing the same.”

This person is not unusual and I am in no way judging her. We all engage in this behavior from time to time. We project onto others what we would do or not do, what we would say or not say, believing that the same is true for them. But in fact, we cannot know what they would do or say, and holding that expectation or anticipation taints our interactions with them. Further, it causes frustration and disappointment for both sides.

People are the culmination of their own journeys and experiences. They bring to all interactions what has worked for them in the past. Nothing more or less.

When we meet people where they are, rather than we are, we can have more authentic interactions, whether in professional or in personal relationships. We listen to them when they speak (rather than just hearing them) and we process what they’re saying quite differently as well. In short, it creates a safe feeling for others.
And even more specifically, we actually understand them, rather than interpret what they’re saying through our own filters and individual expectations. 
I invite you to experiment with this more intentional way of interacting. Notice how the energy changes. Notice what you notice about the differences. And as always, send me a note and share what you’ve learned. And stay curious!

NEWS: If you’re looking for an off-site experience for your team, mark your calendar for May 14, 2018. I’m teaming up with Ken Altenbach of Team Building US for "Unbridled Leadership," for a unique half-day, hands-on experience that will change how you view, create and utilize leadership. I’ll have the all the details on my site shortly, but if you’re keen for this type of event, please email me directly (you can simply hit reply from this page) to hold your spot since space is limited. Price per person is $399 with a discount for groups of two or more. Stay tuned for more info on this.

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Whoa, Woe and WHOA!!

6/20/2017

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I’m thinking about words today, and how they help us determine an experience. More pointedly, what we experience in an experience.
 
The title of this post illustrates this idea a bit—three same-sounding words with different meanings, depending on how and when they’re used.
 
Let’s look at this a bit closer, but we’ll start something a little off-color.
 
NOTE: If you’re at work, you might want to put in your ear buds before you hit play. Ditto if there are young ones around. There’s some colorful language in this clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4gKPULa41Q
 
Okay, so I confess. I laughed ‘til I cried the first time I watched that video. I do have a bit of warped sense of humor so maybe that’s not all that surprising. Sham wasn’t very nice to this guy, was he? He kinda did what he wanted to do, despite the rider’s begging and pleading for a good part of two minutes.
 
How often does life feel like this? We set out with hopeful intent and things just go sideways. Out of our control. A big WHOA! (Or woah, depending on your preference/place of birth).
 
Our tendency to react makes these kind of events tricky. This kind of whoa can quickly turn into a woe. A victim narrative—“I did all this and this is what I get? Why is this happening to me? I don’t deserve this!”
 
You get the idea.
 
With that frame of mind—that filter—suddenly many things seem to be following the same disastrous route, both from our past and in our present. Our brains start logging evidence of how MANY things don’t go our way.  We begin, rather unintentionally, a bulleted list of similar circumstances/events. How the crappy feeling seems familiar. And guess what? Another woe comes rolling down the pike.
 
The woeful thinking cycle.
 
But here’s what I’ve been playing with lately. What if I turn that “Whoa!” into a “whoa”? What if I can reframe my experience from a place of curiosity? Or astonishment? Or opportunity? How will I feel then?
 
I used this re-frame recently when a decision was made that impacted me greatly, more than I would have predicted before it happened. A company I had enjoyed a long and meaningful relationship with made a change that eliminated my position. The details of this change up don’t matter really; suffice it to say that although I felt this scenario could happen at some juncture, I still felt quite blindsided when the announcement came.
 
Curious, right? My rational mind felt that change might happen, but my emotions weren’t really ready for it. I thought they were, but I could tell by my own anxious post-announcement reaction that I’d been kidding myself.
 
So what to do? How to re-frame this experience?
Well, I did exactly what I’m suggesting you do regardless of the particulars of your circumstance. I’m suggesting you
  1. Sit with the feeling the turn of events creates in you, but only for a short time.
  2. Even as you’re sitting with that feeling, begin to poke holes in the “woefulness” of it. Ask yourself, “Is this really awful or am I filtering this event to see only the troubling part?”
  3. Start to dial in to the potential of the “whoa” in a more curious fashion.
 
 
I can tell you that this discipline, regardless of what circumstance you’re dealing with, changes everything. I believe it slides us into our potential, rather than our trouble.
 
Because there’s always potential. Everything in our lives can be viewed as either an obstacle, or an opportunity.
 
You decide.
 
Nurture your nature. Click here for details.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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wisdom over knowledge 

3/10/2017

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Knowledge is everywhere—literally everywhere.

At the click of a mouse, we can find information about everything. We are in an information overload and it’s giving us a lingering hangover.  

But wisdom?  Wisdom is quite a bit richer at its core and something we are “wise” to pay attention to more regularly.  

One definition of wisdom is  “the soundness of an action or decision with regard to the application of experience, knowledge, and good judgment.”

So in this regard, knowledge is an ingredient of wisdom. Wisdom involves experience—an understanding that includes both body and mind. Insight gained from how our individual system interacts with the immediate systems around us, spreading outward to include family, work, community, the country and the world. Wisdom is fluid.

I found a fascinating documentary about this that really resonated with me. If you’re interested in the connection of all things, I hope you’ll check out InnSæi – the Power of Intuition on Netflix.

Here’s a brief description from the film’s website:

“The ancient Icelandic word for intuition is “innsæi,” but in Iceland it has multiple meanings. It can mean “the sea within” which is the borderless nature of our inner world, a constantly moving world of vision, feelings and imagination beyond words. It can mean “to see within” which means to know yourself, and to know yourself well enough to be able to put yourself in other people’s shoes. And it can mean, “to see from the inside out” which is to have a strong inner compass to navigate your way in our ever-changing world.”   Click here to watch the trailer.

If you watch the film, let me know where your insight led you. What wisdom did you discover within yourself that you hadn’t noticed before? What stuck with you after the film?  

Science is catching up and supporting these intuitive hunches/understandings left and right these days. The Atlantic recently published an article that I found fascinating.

Researchers recently determined that horses are not only quite able to read our facial expressions, but they also understood the meaning of the expressions. 

“A University of Sussex research team, led by Amy Smith alongside the veteran animal-behavior scientist Karen McComb, showed a group of 28 horses large photographs of man’s face making either a positive (smiling) or negative (angry, brows furrowed) emotional expression. The results showed that horses were able to automatically distinguish between the two expressions, and what they meant.”  

Horse people have long believed this and modern research now supports it.  

I’d encourage you to test out your own “wisdom” as you move through your day. What are you seeing “from the inside out” very clearly? Moreover, what is that wisdom steering you toward?    

Insight, on location, here.
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